Will She Let Me?

I feel so close to being happy, or rather as much as I can be. The thing I feel that is standing in my way is that I feel like she is keeping something from me still. I feel like I’m stuck right now. I don’t feel I can move on because I don’t feel like I know what I’m moving on from. I can’t stay here, because she doesn’t want me to and with each day I don’t want to either. But trying isn’t doing.

There are few reason I can come up with as to why she would be keeping it from me. She could think I’m happier if I don’t know. Maybe she thinks she’ll lose a friend. Will I hurt? Probably, but I’ll hurt less in the long run and I’ll be able to move on.

I wish she would just sit me down and tell me what is going on to my face. Its harder to hide things than to have them out in the open. I’d rather her tell me, than have to find out from someone else or see something I didn’t want to. My fear of getting hurt is still there. She wouldn’t have to hear me tell her about it, and we could be on our way to being real friends again. That is better and worth it to me.

There could be the potential problem of her not admitting it to herself. If she likes him, but doesn’t want to and doesn’t care enough to not do anything about it she is going to put herself in a bad place. I fear she is going to let things happen that she doesn’t want to. I fear it’ll be like Chris all over again all because she doesn’t want to make him feel bad or not willing to stop it. Of course, I wouldn’t worry about it if there was something going on.

I’d rather know that she wants it to happen, rather than she is scared what would happen if she didn’t let it happen. If she wants it, and she is happy, than she shouldn’t let anyone stop her. Not even me.

I want to move on, but will she let me?

Its Hard To Hate Someone You Love

I’m trying to hate her. Its hard to hate someone you love. I have plenty of reason to. Reasons to not be friends with her; not want to be around her; not talk to her.

I think everyone knows how she feels about him and me. I think she knows too, but doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Those deep feelings, you know the ones deep down, are rarely wrong. I don’t think she is capable of spending that much time with someone and not have feelings for them. She may not want to be with anyone right now, but when she is ready to there is little doubt that it’ll be him.

It hurts to know that she has probably moved on; that she probably moved on a long time ago. I couldn’t give her what she wanted or needed and she gave up on me. She should have broken up with me a long time ago. Funny to think if she did, it would be coming up on a year now. I wonder how much happier I’ll be in a year?

If I show you a cookie and tell you its a banana are you going to believe me? You know what a banana is, and you know what a cookie is. You smell the cookie and see it, and you have no doubts about it being a cookie. I know what a romantic relationship looks like and I know what a friendship looks like. All you say is that its not what I think it is and never explain it beyond that. No matter how many times I tell you the cookie is a banana, you won’t believe me unless I some how make the cookie look like a banana. You don’t care enough to make it look like that, yet you dislike that I don’t trust you.

You act like you don’t care then get mad at me when I think you don’t. If you don’t want me to think that you don’t care, then don’t act like you don’t care.

I hate that you’re still on his side on everything. You know that he didn’t try to stop liking you; that he didn’t care enough about our relationship to back off and you don’t care. It really shows that you are more willing to be sympathetic to him for the shit he did and still be hard on me for the shit I did.

You know he hates me. I know it. Everyone knows it. He sees me as someone who is trying to take away the little happiness he has in his pathetic life–you know the happiness that he took from me; the happiness you were so willing to take from me and give it to him.

I’m not really sure I know if you really cared about me the last year or not. That hurts. I know I never gave you any doubts about that. I love you. I think its sad that I still do after all of this.

I’m trying to hate her, I really am. I talk to her, I see her picture (via facebook etc.), I see that one thing she is telling me i find out is true and I can’t help but remember why I love her and why I want her in my life. Its hard to hate someone you love. The moment those reasons leave my mind is the moment I want to be with her again.

Its really hard to hate someone you love and not for a lack of trying.

When It Rain It Pours

When it rains it pours. I guess I should have seen it coming with the gray clouds that have been looming in the sky for so long. The stars can’t be seen this night, and with each rumble of thunder I hurt more and more. When it rains it pours, and there is no sign of anything getting dry any time soon. I feel the thunder is going to get really loud soon.

I make mistakes all the time. Do things I know that I shouldn’t; things that I know will only make me hurt more. If she is there and I feel like kissing her, I know I should leave but I can’t help but look for the part of her that wants me to. I trick myself into thinking that she wants to as much as I do. I’m always wrong. Its sad really.

I know its normal to see what I want to and as much as I try to see other wise it always staring me in the face. She knows what she is doing with him; she knows she is leading him on. She either wants to, or really doesn’t care about how it makes him feel. Which might make sense considering that she doesn’t seem to care about anything right now. She doesn’t care how I feel about that, what I think, or what I want. She really doesn’t care about anything anymore. That’s sad. She is going to end up hurting more than she says she is right now. She is like a deer in headlights; she just too scared to move.

It doesn’t make it hurt any less. In fact, when she acts like she doesn’t care it makes it hurt more. I love being around her still but I know that in the long run it’ll be better for me (and her?) if we limit the time we spend together alone and otherwise. I wish she still cared.

When it rains it pours and right now its better to think about the rain than the thunder. God please flood this hell that the world has turned into. Lets take what we want to save and start a whole new life.

I Don’t Know

I long for the day when people show and tell me the same thing. It hurts to feel like I’m just being lied to. Do I not deserve the truth? I wonder if I’m the one being lied to or they’re lying to themselves.

I should run far far away from this place. Never come back. I’ll be alone, but I’d be able to start a whole new life without any of the baggage that I would leave here. I couldn’t leave everything behind, but I would take what I had to.

I think I know what I have to do, but doing it will hurt more than anything I have ever done. Speaking the words I would have to say seem like they would be the bomb that would destroy the little that is left of my pathetic world. Left behind after the bomb went off would be a seed. I could take care of it, water and give it plenty of light for it to grow; for me to heal. I’ve grown uncertain if I want that.

A taste of the what you’ve always wanted is one thing. Knowing that with a little work it could be perfect is one more. Having had the perfect thing you’ve always wanted is another. I don’t want to give it up, but I know that I have to. I know that there is no way that it could ever work while she is friends with him. And I know that she won’t give that up.

I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t good enough. If I was she would have never gotten bored, she would have never trust him more than me.  I wasn’t even worth it for him. He didn’t care enough about me to keep a distance from her. He knew he liked her, but didn’t do anything about it. She doesn’t seem to care about what he did; almost like she is glad that he didn’t.

She still doesn’t know how she feels about anything. I thought she did, but i think I was wrong. I don’t know is all she can say now.

I don’t know either.

Scary

I’m having a lot of doubts right now. She still seems to hide things about her and him. She is still randomly secretive. It is really scaring me. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to let her do that again.

The only reason that I can come up as to why she would be lying about things still is that she wants me in her life, but she wants to be with him. It makes sense because she does still treat him like he is her boyfriend, and she doesn’t seem to care that she is leading him on. Its really scary.

I hope she realizes that having me in her life is not worth me hating her because she lying to me. I would find out eventually and I don’t think I could forgive her if she does let it go on for a long time. I want to believe everything she says, and I try to. But the way she acts about things is odd and I’m having a hard time ignoring it.

I don’t know what is going to happen, and I’m scared of what will.

Dealing With Loneliness: People

I can’t say that I know how I’m supposed to look at everything right now. I’m lonely, but at the same time I’m not. I feel like I’m annoying and very few want to be around me. Even those that don’t mind being around me seem to want to keep a distance from me. I guess I can’t say I blame them. Who wants to be around a depressed person? If only they knew that I’m depressed because I’m lonely.

We’re trying to be friends now. Its made me feel a lot better about things. I still have some doubts about if she is telling the truth or not about liking him. She knows that I wouldn’t be friends with her, or want anything to do with her, if she did tell me that. I believe her, or I really really want to.

I don’t know what kind of a friend she sees me as now, and I’m afraid to ask. I see her as my best friend still and I know she probably doesn’t see me the same way. I feel like she wants to avoid me, or keep me at a distance. It makes sense; we’re still trying to get over each other. I’m unsure how much is too much. Being friends makes things a lot easier though.

If given the chance to get back with her I don’t know how I would react. My mood always changes on that. One moment I’m willing, the next I wouldn’t without some time and changes I think we both need to make. I’m not sure when I am willing if its because I’m lonely or what.

I think the best way for me to get over her, and keep our friendship just a friendship is to try hanging out with more people more often. A friendship with her is what I think is best right now and I’m not going to give that up for anyone.

I try to talk to other people, but unlike her they are a lot less willing to respond. I know I’m not ready for a real relationship with anyone and I haven’t put a lot of effort into anything beyond friendships. I have to really start dealing with this loneliness and people aren’t making that easy.

Lonely

All I hear is the silence. Around every corner, every space, and everything there is only silence. Its getting to me. That hardest part of dealing with everything is how lonely I get.

I don’t have a friend who likes me and is willing to hang out with me all the time. I have a friend who hangs out with me on the weekends and I always feel really good about everything when I get home those nights. The week is a different story.

I sit in my room, trying to distract myself. Its rare anything actually works. The thought is always in the back of my head, slowly slowly creeping in. I reach out and no one gets back to me. I have grown to dislike who I am because of it. Is there something wrong with me?

I want to give up.