Let Sleeping Dogs Die

I still wonder why I wasn’t worth it for him. He called me one of his best friends and I thought the same of him. I extended my hand when he needed it. It was never the hand he wanted, but time and time again I put it out there for him. I care about him; I loved him (as I do all my friends).

I know some people are just assholes and don’t care who they have to step on so long as they don’t get hurt. I am not one of those people. I know I’m better than him, if only because I don’t use my friends as stepping stools. I’m past him.

I don’t wonder why I wasn’t worth because I’m still hurting. I wonder because I don’t know how much I’m worth to new friends (and old for that matter). I know its classic over-thinking for me. But if I wasn’t worth it once, I won’t be again. To feel like one of my closest friends is slowly stabbing me in the back is depression inducing. It truly is haunting. I’d rather die than have to face that again.

I know that not everyone is like that and that its either I have no friends or be in the same situation again one day. I need to let sleeping dogs die. I need to get over it and stop causing this to be harder than it is.

Its Stupid

I would kill myself right now if I thought my mom would be able to take it.

Its stupid (I really do know this), but I no longer care. I don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. I’m tired of trying, there is no use anymore.

The Problem Is Me

I’m not unhappy that I’m not with her. I’m unhappy because I’m lonely; because I feel like everyone sees me as someone beneath them. Few really seem to want to give me the time of day to show them me.

I feel like they all know something I don’t. Are there rumors about me? Do I smell? Am I not a pleasant site? Am I really annoying? I’m sure everyone has their reasons, but it doesn’t make anything better.

One way or another the problem is me. I don’t understand why they wouldn’t or would mind so much. Its hurts more because I can’t rationalize why anyone would, hence the ideas above. I can only come up with things that I have no way of knowing.

The problem is me. I’ve pushed people away my whole life, and now that I lost the one person who I let get close I’m more depressed than ever when I think about it. I’m alone and that isn’t going to change for a long time, if at all.

I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed because when I’m around people I feel fine. Its when I’m alone, and my mind has the time to wonder that I get like this. Especially when I think about the small things that happen throughout the day that support that idea. Even though I know I’m reading too much into things, I can’t seem to see things in a different way.

Whats so off putting about me?

Show Them Me

I think I’ve finally realized what she wants me to understand. When she told me that she wasn’t in love with me anymore on the night we broke up she really meant it. She doesn’t want to be with the person that I am now. I never thought that she would hate to hear my voice like I feel she does. I imagine every thought of me only serves to make her recall how annoying I have become to her.

I don’t think she cares if I’m in her life or not; I think she is only trying to be friends with me so that she knows that I’m OK and that I won’t be doing anything stupid. I doubt she cares about me like she wants me to believe. It hurts to have the closest person to you not want to be around you or really talk to you.

If she was the only person I’d would think she just doesn’t like me much and I would move on to another friend. But there isn’t one that I can really share things with or really want to be around me. Its just me.

She won’t give me a chance to relax around her because she is too busy trying to protect my feelings. She is always afraid of how I’ll react, but she doesn’t realize that we aren’t together anymore and that I’ll actually react differently. If she did let me relax I would be me again. The guy she remembers. She has reasons not to let me.

I’m weird in a bad way, I’m annoying and I’m boring to everyone. I don’t agree. I feel like no one wants to give me a chance to show them who I am. Show them me. Who knows maybe they do see it, maybe they don’t like it either.

I feel like I can’t do this alone and no one I know can help me with this.

Wishing On A Broken Star

I know when I’m not wanted, but I don’t think I’ve ever had as hard of a time accepting it as I am right now. She doesn’t need me to be there for her, and she barely wants me to if at all. It hurts. It isn’t surprising though. I wish I could be there for her. I wish she would want to be around me more. I’m just wishing on a broken star though.

The saying “Life isn’t fair” has really become true for me. I’m the one hurting, yet I don’t feel I’ve done anything to deserve it. All the while, they’re having fun and being happy. I did always say that they would be happier without me. I always said it in a “show me its not true” sense; never wanted to be right.

A part of me just wants to forget her, the other wouldn’t dare think that. I want to move on, but I’m not sure how ready I am to. I’ve tried to tread the water to see, but there seems to be a lack of water. No one seems to want to be around me too much.

There is still so much I don’t understand and I know I should give up trying. I want to give up trying. I need to give up trying. I wish I didn’t have to. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I wish I didn’t care about her as much as I do. I’m sure both of them wish the same thing. Probably everyone else too. Too bad I’m stuck wishing on a broken star.

Will She Let Me?

I feel so close to being happy, or rather as much as I can be. The thing I feel that is standing in my way is that I feel like she is keeping something from me still. I feel like I’m stuck right now. I don’t feel I can move on because I don’t feel like I know what I’m moving on from. I can’t stay here, because she doesn’t want me to and with each day I don’t want to either. But trying isn’t doing.

There are few reason I can come up with as to why she would be keeping it from me. She could think I’m happier if I don’t know. Maybe she thinks she’ll lose a friend. Will I hurt? Probably, but I’ll hurt less in the long run and I’ll be able to move on.

I wish she would just sit me down and tell me what is going on to my face. Its harder to hide things than to have them out in the open. I’d rather her tell me, than have to find out from someone else or see something I didn’t want to. My fear of getting hurt is still there. She wouldn’t have to hear me tell her about it, and we could be on our way to being real friends again. That is better and worth it to me.

There could be the potential problem of her not admitting it to herself. If she likes him, but doesn’t want to and doesn’t care enough to not do anything about it she is going to put herself in a bad place. I fear she is going to let things happen that she doesn’t want to. I fear it’ll be like Chris all over again all because she doesn’t want to make him feel bad or not willing to stop it. Of course, I wouldn’t worry about it if there was something going on.

I’d rather know that she wants it to happen, rather than she is scared what would happen if she didn’t let it happen. If she wants it, and she is happy, than she shouldn’t let anyone stop her. Not even me.

I want to move on, but will she let me?

I Don’t Know

I long for the day when people show and tell me the same thing. It hurts to feel like I’m just being lied to. Do I not deserve the truth? I wonder if I’m the one being lied to or they’re lying to themselves.

I should run far far away from this place. Never come back. I’ll be alone, but I’d be able to start a whole new life without any of the baggage that I would leave here. I couldn’t leave everything behind, but I would take what I had to.

I think I know what I have to do, but doing it will hurt more than anything I have ever done. Speaking the words I would have to say seem like they would be the bomb that would destroy the little that is left of my pathetic world. Left behind after the bomb went off would be a seed. I could take care of it, water and give it plenty of light for it to grow; for me to heal. I’ve grown uncertain if I want that.

A taste of the what you’ve always wanted is one thing. Knowing that with a little work it could be perfect is one more. Having had the perfect thing you’ve always wanted is another. I don’t want to give it up, but I know that I have to. I know that there is no way that it could ever work while she is friends with him. And I know that she won’t give that up.

I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t good enough. If I was she would have never gotten bored, she would have never trust him more than me.  I wasn’t even worth it for him. He didn’t care enough about me to keep a distance from her. He knew he liked her, but didn’t do anything about it. She doesn’t seem to care about what he did; almost like she is glad that he didn’t.

She still doesn’t know how she feels about anything. I thought she did, but i think I was wrong. I don’t know is all she can say now.

I don’t know either.