A Place Long Forgotten

Where I stand, is a place long forgotten.

My mind is clear, yet full.

The pressure is mounting up.

Should I back out or step up?

Her Disguise

I shouldn’t care, but I do. The thought of her with him hurts, but its something I can’t stop thinking about–that I can’t let go of. I have little doubt now that she did have feelings for him before we broke up. I don’t think everything would have happen the way it did if she didn’t. Best friends are one thing, but she wanted more than to be just best friends with him. Everyone saw it, and everyone knew that she would like him like she does now.

I’m fine until that comes to mind. The thought that she is willing to and probably has fucked him, the thought that she is lying to me (or to herself). That thought that she so willingly betrayed me. She doesn’t think about what she did to me. I don’t know how someone can do what she has done–what she is doing–and still say that she loves me; that she cares about me. Its bullshit.

I want to move on, but I don’t think I can really move on if I don’t know what kind of a person I’m moving on from. She wants to keep me thinking that she loved me and she regrets not trying and putting him first, but she wasn’t (and isn’t) willing to do a damn thing to fix her mistake.

I can’t really say weather or not she cheated–emotionally or more. I have little doubt that she didn’t. I think she knew what she was doing, but didn’t care enough to stop. She gets mad when I tell her that I think she did. She hasn’t done anything to make me think otherwise–not when we were together and definitely not now. I think she doesn’t want to be able to say that she cheated (if only emotionally), but even if she doesn’t admit it to me it doesn’t make it less true.

I think she knows what happen, and is only trying to ignore it to preserve the costume she is trying to wear. Too bad it doesn’t fit her anymore and everyone see right through it. I hate her for what she did and what she is doing. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to forgive her.

I’ll let her wear her disguise. It won’t stay on for too much longer anyway.

I need to stop thinking about her.

Its Hard To Hate Someone You Love

I’m trying to hate her. Its hard to hate someone you love. I have plenty of reason to. Reasons to not be friends with her; not want to be around her; not talk to her.

I think everyone knows how she feels about him and me. I think she knows too, but doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Those deep feelings, you know the ones deep down, are rarely wrong. I don’t think she is capable of spending that much time with someone and not have feelings for them. She may not want to be with anyone right now, but when she is ready to there is little doubt that it’ll be him.

It hurts to know that she has probably moved on; that she probably moved on a long time ago. I couldn’t give her what she wanted or needed and she gave up on me. She should have broken up with me a long time ago. Funny to think if she did, it would be coming up on a year now. I wonder how much happier I’ll be in a year?

If I show you a cookie and tell you its a banana are you going to believe me? You know what a banana is, and you know what a cookie is. You smell the cookie and see it, and you have no doubts about it being a cookie. I know what a romantic relationship looks like and I know what a friendship looks like. All you say is that its not what I think it is and never explain it beyond that. No matter how many times I tell you the cookie is a banana, you won’t believe me unless I some how make the cookie look like a banana. You don’t care enough to make it look like that, yet you dislike that I don’t trust you.

You act like you don’t care then get mad at me when I think you don’t. If you don’t want me to think that you don’t care, then don’t act like you don’t care.

I hate that you’re still on his side on everything. You know that he didn’t try to stop liking you; that he didn’t care enough about our relationship to back off and you don’t care. It really shows that you are more willing to be sympathetic to him for the shit he did and still be hard on me for the shit I did.

You know he hates me. I know it. Everyone knows it. He sees me as someone who is trying to take away the little happiness he has in his pathetic life–you know the happiness that he took from me; the happiness you were so willing to take from me and give it to him.

I’m not really sure I know if you really cared about me the last year or not. That hurts. I know I never gave you any doubts about that. I love you. I think its sad that I still do after all of this.

I’m trying to hate her, I really am. I talk to her, I see her picture (via facebook etc.), I see that one thing she is telling me i find out is true and I can’t help but remember why I love her and why I want her in my life. Its hard to hate someone you love. The moment those reasons leave my mind is the moment I want to be with her again.

Its really hard to hate someone you love and not for a lack of trying.

When It Rain It Pours

When it rains it pours. I guess I should have seen it coming with the gray clouds that have been looming in the sky for so long. The stars can’t be seen this night, and with each rumble of thunder I hurt more and more. When it rains it pours, and there is no sign of anything getting dry any time soon. I feel the thunder is going to get really loud soon.

I make mistakes all the time. Do things I know that I shouldn’t; things that I know will only make me hurt more. If she is there and I feel like kissing her, I know I should leave but I can’t help but look for the part of her that wants me to. I trick myself into thinking that she wants to as much as I do. I’m always wrong. Its sad really.

I know its normal to see what I want to and as much as I try to see other wise it always staring me in the face. She knows what she is doing with him; she knows she is leading him on. She either wants to, or really doesn’t care about how it makes him feel. Which might make sense considering that she doesn’t seem to care about anything right now. She doesn’t care how I feel about that, what I think, or what I want. She really doesn’t care about anything anymore. That’s sad. She is going to end up hurting more than she says she is right now. She is like a deer in headlights; she just too scared to move.

It doesn’t make it hurt any less. In fact, when she acts like she doesn’t care it makes it hurt more. I love being around her still but I know that in the long run it’ll be better for me (and her?) if we limit the time we spend together alone and otherwise. I wish she still cared.

When it rains it pours and right now its better to think about the rain than the thunder. God please flood this hell that the world has turned into. Lets take what we want to save and start a whole new life.

Dealing With Loneliness: People

I can’t say that I know how I’m supposed to look at everything right now. I’m lonely, but at the same time I’m not. I feel like I’m annoying and very few want to be around me. Even those that don’t mind being around me seem to want to keep a distance from me. I guess I can’t say I blame them. Who wants to be around a depressed person? If only they knew that I’m depressed because I’m lonely.

We’re trying to be friends now. Its made me feel a lot better about things. I still have some doubts about if she is telling the truth or not about liking him. She knows that I wouldn’t be friends with her, or want anything to do with her, if she did tell me that. I believe her, or I really really want to.

I don’t know what kind of a friend she sees me as now, and I’m afraid to ask. I see her as my best friend still and I know she probably doesn’t see me the same way. I feel like she wants to avoid me, or keep me at a distance. It makes sense; we’re still trying to get over each other. I’m unsure how much is too much. Being friends makes things a lot easier though.

If given the chance to get back with her I don’t know how I would react. My mood always changes on that. One moment I’m willing, the next I wouldn’t without some time and changes I think we both need to make. I’m not sure when I am willing if its because I’m lonely or what.

I think the best way for me to get over her, and keep our friendship just a friendship is to try hanging out with more people more often. A friendship with her is what I think is best right now and I’m not going to give that up for anyone.

I try to talk to other people, but unlike her they are a lot less willing to respond. I know I’m not ready for a real relationship with anyone and I haven’t put a lot of effort into anything beyond friendships. I have to really start dealing with this loneliness and people aren’t making that easy.

Lonely

All I hear is the silence. Around every corner, every space, and everything there is only silence. Its getting to me. That hardest part of dealing with everything is how lonely I get.

I don’t have a friend who likes me and is willing to hang out with me all the time. I have a friend who hangs out with me on the weekends and I always feel really good about everything when I get home those nights. The week is a different story.

I sit in my room, trying to distract myself. Its rare anything actually works. The thought is always in the back of my head, slowly slowly creeping in. I reach out and no one gets back to me. I have grown to dislike who I am because of it. Is there something wrong with me?

I want to give up.

A Clear Mind

A clear mind has lead me to understand things better. The clarity came from the place I thought it would: her mom. It was wrong that I told her about everything. I know it wasn’t my place. I was hurting way too much not to try my best option. I didn’t go there to do that, but as I waited there I did it. I don’t think anything can make that right though. If she still cared before that, she doesn’t now.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget what her mom told me. I don’t think anything she said was new, but hearing it from her own mother made everything really clear. I’ve learned what I did wrong; what I’ve could have done to prevent all of this. I gained a better understanding of why she did what she did. Before all signs pointed to her just not giving a shit about me anymore. I couldn’t except that.

I should have taken her to see Death Cab.

Yes, what I did was wrong. I know that and I knew that. I hope that she hasn’t stopped caring or loving me, but I fear she has. I’m no longer mad at her, I have no reason to be.

I’m still torn as to why she picked him over me. I understand that their relationship is better than ours was when everything was happening, and that she had more fun with him because of it. He was the first logical choice. I don’t understand how its so easy for her to throw everything away for him after he spent the last 8 months lying to her, how she can want to have a friend that she knows likes her (and who she says she has no feelings for), and that he didn’t respect our relationship enough to back off enough for us to get to a good place.

A clear mind is never completely clear.

I have to except that she will move on and that it will probably be with him. It hurts more than anything. I’d rather die than see that come to fruition right now. I really hope she doesn’t do that and that she stays true to her word. After everything that has happen, its not something that I can really expect from her. More so when I take into account how everything happen when we first got together. It hurts more than she’ll ever know.

I hope she understands that I don’t want to believe all the things I said about her, that believing them would hurt me a lot more than it would ever hurt her. I hope that she understands the value in dealing with her problems, and she learns how to do that. I hope that if she really doesn’t want to be with him that she deals with it before he makes her feel like she has to to keep her friend or him alive or anything else other than a real reason. I really hope she doesn’t want to be with him though. He doesn’t deserve some one like her.

Everyday I will hurt less, breath better, and regain what I’ve lost over that last 8 months: myself. I want my clear mind back.