I’m trying to hate her. Its hard to hate someone you love. I have plenty of reason to. Reasons to not be friends with her; not want to be around her; not talk to her.

I think everyone knows how she feels about him and me. I think she knows too, but doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Those deep feelings, you know the ones deep down, are rarely wrong. I don’t think she is capable of spending that much time with someone and not have feelings for them. She may not want to be with anyone right now, but when she is ready to there is little doubt that it’ll be him.

It hurts to know that she has probably moved on; that she probably moved on a long time ago. I couldn’t give her what she wanted or needed and she gave up on me. She should have broken up with me a long time ago. Funny to think if she did, it would be coming up on a year now. I wonder how much happier I’ll be in a year?

If I show you a cookie and tell you its a banana are you going to believe me? You know what a banana is, and you know what a cookie is. You smell the cookie and see it, and you have no doubts about it being a cookie. I know what a romantic relationship looks like and I know what a friendship looks like. All you say is that its not what I think it is and never explain it beyond that. No matter how many times I tell you the cookie is a banana, you won’t believe me unless I some how make the cookie look like a banana. You don’t care enough to make it look like that, yet you dislike that I don’t trust you.

You act like you don’t care then get mad at me when I think you don’t. If you don’t want me to think that you don’t care, then don’t act like you don’t care.

I hate that you’re still on his side on everything. You know that he didn’t try to stop liking you; that he didn’t care enough about our relationship to back off and you don’t care. It really shows that you are more willing to be sympathetic to him for the shit he did and still be hard on me for the shit I did.

You know he hates me. I know it. Everyone knows it. He sees me as someone who is trying to take away the little happiness he has in his pathetic life–you know the happiness that he took from me; the happiness you were so willing to take from me and give it to him.

I’m not really sure I know if you really cared about me the last year or not. That hurts. I know I never gave you any doubts about that. I love you. I think its sad that I still do after all of this.

I’m trying to hate her, I really am. I talk to her, I see her picture (via facebook etc.), I see that one thing she is telling me i find out is true and I can’t help but remember why I love her and why I want her in my life. Its hard to hate someone you love. The moment those reasons leave my mind is the moment I want to be with her again.

Its really hard to hate someone you love and not for a lack of trying.