I’ve realized that the problem I’ve been trying to get over the past months is one that I don’t think I can. I can’t get over feeling betrayed by two of the closest people to me. Note: I said feeling betrayed. I wanted to make sure that got across, because usually when that word is used it means it was intentional; and in this case I don’t think it was. I think it was more of a case of me just not being thought of (which might be worse).

Almost a year ago, I told Mike that I thought of him as one of my best friends–told Kayla that I thought of him as such too. Little did I know that over the next year, that they would become closer and closer–leaving me out. I feel betrayed because they both knew, but didn’t stop to think about what I told them. Or how I might react or feel.

I’ve never been against them being friends; I wouldn’t have introduced them if that was true. My problem lies in me feeling left out to two of the closest people to me.

So how does that feeling lead me to feel jealous? How can I not be jealous when I feel like I’m losing the two closest people to me to each other? I can get over feeling jealous, and for the most part I have. But this feeling of betrayal is something I don’t think I can.

I feel like I shouldn’t intrude on their friendship anymore than I have. I don’t feel like I should even consider Mike to be a close friend anymore; just my girlfriend’s best friend. I can’t feel left out if I remove myself from the picture. Or rather it would be my own doing and not theirs.

I can’t help but feel alone now. Alone in the sense that I don’t have that person who enjoys to be around me, and would never ignore my calls or text if they could help it. I want a best friend.