If I could take it all back, take every word and it’s meaning, I would. I learned along time ago that silence can be a very good thing. When I talk to much I only end up hurting people. When I talk to much I end up saying stupid things, things that I shouldn’t even be thinking.

I’m not sure there is a way around not thinking those things though–other than just trying to ignore them. I really am running out of distractions though. Even when I try to distract myself I end up thinking about things. Oh the mess I’ve made.

I really think I need professional help. I’m starting to fall back in old states of mind. I’m starting to hate everything about me and everything I aspire to be. In the last few days I’ve even asked myself what the point of it all was. Its really easy for me to lose site of what people really think of me.

In the last couple of years, I don’t think I’ve been more depressed than I am right. I’ve been afraid to use that word because of what people will think of me. “Oh my, he’s going to kill himself!” or “Man that guy is a downer.” or something of the sort. I’ve learned to hide myself so that no one can hurt me.

And then there is the other part of me. I’m not sure if its the sane part or not. This part is saying its not all my fault, that there was more factors than just the ones you gave. That I’m not seeing very big changes in how often and willing she is express herself to me. That her making me feel bad for wanting to be around her, wanting to hold her, kiss her and love her is nothing I can control.

If your better half suddenly doesn’t want you to do any of those things, wouldn’t you think something might be up? If she isn’t getting it from me, she has to be getting it some where right? And here I am again, back at trust. Apart of me is saying why should you trust her if she is barly willing to do any of those things. Maybe she doesn’t want to because of everything that has happen–that is my fault she is like that.

I know it would help a lot if I could remember what started all this, what did I notice that caused me to think any of things in the first place? What about her changed that I noticed?

I know I should just ignore everything, that is the only way it everything can be fixed. I need to get over it, and I feel like that is the only way. To ignore I need distractions, and to put it simple, not much is doing the trick anymore.

I’ve made my life revolve around her; the same isn’t true for her of me. That is my biggest mistake. I’m starting regret ever getting as close as I am to her. I wish I didn’t care that she could hurt me.