I shouldn’t care, but I do. The thought of her with him hurts, but its something I can’t stop thinking about–that I can’t let go of. I have little doubt now that she did have feelings for him before we broke up. I don’t think everything would have happen the way it did if she didn’t. Best friends are one thing, but she wanted more than to be just best friends with him. Everyone saw it, and everyone knew that she would like him like she does now.
I’m fine until that comes to mind. The thought that she is willing to and probably has fucked him, the thought that she is lying to me (or to herself). That thought that she so willingly betrayed me. She doesn’t think about what she did to me. I don’t know how someone can do what she has done–what she is doing–and still say that she loves me; that she cares about me. Its bullshit.
I want to move on, but I don’t think I can really move on if I don’t know what kind of a person I’m moving on from. She wants to keep me thinking that she loved me and she regrets not trying and putting him first, but she wasn’t (and isn’t) willing to do a damn thing to fix her mistake.
I can’t really say weather or not she cheated–emotionally or more. I have little doubt that she didn’t. I think she knew what she was doing, but didn’t care enough to stop. She gets mad when I tell her that I think she did. She hasn’t done anything to make me think otherwise–not when we were together and definitely not now. I think she doesn’t want to be able to say that she cheated (if only emotionally), but even if she doesn’t admit it to me it doesn’t make it less true.
I think she knows what happen, and is only trying to ignore it to preserve the costume she is trying to wear. Too bad it doesn’t fit her anymore and everyone see right through it. I hate her for what she did and what she is doing. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to forgive her.
I’ll let her wear her disguise. It won’t stay on for too much longer anyway.
I need to stop thinking about her.