I want a Best Friend

I’ve realized that the problem I’ve been trying to get over the past months is one that I don’t think I can. I can’t get over feeling betrayed by two of the closest people to me. Note: I said feeling betrayed. I wanted to make sure that got across, because usually when that word is used it means it was intentional; and in this case I don’t think it was. I think it was more of a case of me just not being thought of (which might be worse).

Almost a year ago, I told Mike that I thought of him as one of my best friends–told Kayla that I thought of him as such too. Little did I know that over the next year, that they would become closer and closer–leaving me out. I feel betrayed because they both knew, but didn’t stop to think about what I told them. Or how I might react or feel.

I’ve never been against them being friends; I wouldn’t have introduced them if that was true. My problem lies in me feeling left out to two of the closest people to me.

So how does that feeling lead me to feel jealous? How can I not be jealous when I feel like I’m losing the two closest people to me to each other? I can get over feeling jealous, and for the most part I have. But this feeling of betrayal is something I don’t think I can.

I feel like I shouldn’t intrude on their friendship anymore than I have. I don’t feel like I should even consider Mike to be a close friend anymore; just my girlfriend’s best friend. I can’t feel left out if I remove myself from the picture. Or rather it would be my own doing and not theirs.

I can’t help but feel alone now. Alone in the sense that I don’t have that person who enjoys to be around me, and would never ignore my calls or text if they could help it. I want a best friend.

Trying to Fly

I used to believe that I was one of a kind.  That I was some teenage genius that felt alone and believed he could do so much, but hated to stand out. Just excuses. Lately, I’ve been trying to get a better perspective on myself and from this I’ve found that I really can’t fly, nor have I ever been able to.

The other day I was looking through my high school year book and came to the pages that I did. I recalled the things that I went in to making them. The hours designing the pages, the days getting names, and the weeks perfecting them all came back to me like an old friend. All I could see were flaws. Every whitespace that was too dominating, every odd color choice, every redundate word I noticed for the first time. No doubt I could do the same for this blog and have similar results.

The way I wrote really got to me. I used to pride myself on being an above average writer, but reading anything I wrote in the last year doesn’t show me that. The weird thing is that when I read stuff older than a year or two ago, they were better. I read them and and I can recall what I was thinking, and often even how I felt.

So what is the difference between the peices in my yearbook and anything I wrote before then? The only thing I can come to is that I was trying to hard to be a good writer.

So I feel like I have to fly, when flying is what I fear the most. I have to be a good writer; a good person. Wanting to fly and trying to are very different things, and I’m only obsessed with the former.

I need to grow up already.

The Fear That Controls Me

I’m afraid to do anything in my life. I’m afraid to start living. That is the root of every problem that I have; that truely is the fear that controls me.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that people might actually like me for me? What don’t I see?

Such A Horrid Imagination

Imagination is horrid thing. Its can create many different emotions in a person. The ones I’ve caused in myself have made me a little more insane than I’d want to be. Its hard dealing with things you’re not sure how to feel about.

I feel betrayed. No matter what really happen, I feel that way. I’m supposed to be that guy she feels the most comfortable around; the guy she tells everything to. I was, or at least I thought I was.

Over the past year, she began to get closer and closer to a friend of mine. I don’t mind them being friends, or even good friends, but I have a problem when it gets to a point where she talks to him more than me. That’s just my assumption though. I assume many things about their relationship, most of which probably aren’t true. I can’t, and will never, know how much they really talk. I can’t, and will never, know what they talk about when I’m not around. I can’t, and will never, know what they do when I’m not around. I can only believe what they tell me, or what I conjure up in my mind. Which one, is the hard part. Even harder when what they tell me goes along with what I imagine. I don’t like how close they’ve become. But maybe that’s part of the problem.

So I feel torn. What do I believe?

Maybe that isn’t even the problem. I kind of feel like if I was good enough; if I payed more attention that maybe I wouldn’t be feeling like I am now. I really don’t think I’m good enough sometimes, and maybe thats the real problem. It really is an imagination at work; such a horrid imagination.

So how do I get past something like that?

Oh, The Mess I’ve Made

If I could take it all back, take every word and it’s meaning, I would. I learned along time ago that silence can be a very good thing. When I talk to much I only end up hurting people. When I talk to much I end up saying stupid things, things that I shouldn’t even be thinking.

I’m not sure there is a way around not thinking those things though–other than just trying to ignore them. I really am running out of distractions though. Even when I try to distract myself I end up thinking about things. Oh the mess I’ve made.

I really think I need professional help. I’m starting to fall back in old states of mind. I’m starting to hate everything about me and everything I aspire to be. In the last few days I’ve even asked myself what the point of it all was. Its really easy for me to lose site of what people really think of me.

In the last couple of years, I don’t think I’ve been more depressed than I am right. I’ve been afraid to use that word because of what people will think of me. “Oh my, he’s going to kill himself!” or “Man that guy is a downer.” or something of the sort. I’ve learned to hide myself so that no one can hurt me.

And then there is the other part of me. I’m not sure if its the sane part or not. This part is saying its not all my fault, that there was more factors than just the ones you gave. That I’m not seeing very big changes in how often and willing she is express herself to me. That her making me feel bad for wanting to be around her, wanting to hold her, kiss her and love her is nothing I can control.

If your better half suddenly doesn’t want you to do any of those things, wouldn’t you think something might be up? If she isn’t getting it from me, she has to be getting it some where right? And here I am again, back at trust. Apart of me is saying why should you trust her if she is barly willing to do any of those things. Maybe she doesn’t want to because of everything that has happen–that is my fault she is like that.

I know it would help a lot if I could remember what started all this, what did I notice that caused me to think any of things in the first place? What about her changed that I noticed?

I know I should just ignore everything, that is the only way it everything can be fixed. I need to get over it, and I feel like that is the only way. To ignore I need distractions, and to put it simple, not much is doing the trick anymore.

I’ve made my life revolve around her; the same isn’t true for her of me. That is my biggest mistake. I’m starting regret ever getting as close as I am to her. I wish I didn’t care that she could hurt me.

The Resentment

I’ve made you resent me. Its a little ironic that while I was trying to make things better I only made them worse.  I think this is the first time in my life where talking hasn’t worked the way it should.

I don’t know if it was your unwillingness to talk, or me pushing you into it.I’m sorry for making you talk about something that you didn’t want to talk about.

I’m not sure there is anything I can do to get rid of the resentment you have towards me; I believe that is something that you have to want to do.

I’m not even sure I know exatctly why you resent me. Because I couldn’t get over something? Because I wanted to talk about it? I don’t know.

If we end up breaking up over this, I’m not going to place the blame all one me. You resenting me, makes me scared.

And here I am..saying basicly the same thing over and over again.

The Flame to My Star

There is a lot of different factors in this. Its far from black and white–we both messed up. The sky grows ever brighter despite our attempts to keep the stars in the night sky.

I hate where we are. I know I caused a lot of what happen between us; I know I made you feel the way you do about me. I understand. Why should anyone want to be with some one who doesn’t trust them?

I’m not sure you care how I feel anymore. You’ve grown tired of me trying to tell you, I know that. I know you care about my well being, but everything else is a mystery to me. I hate that I feel like I can’t talk to you.

I know a lot of my problems stem from the girl before and what she did to me. I can’t help but fear that it’ll happen again. If she did it, why wouldn’t another? That fear is what controls me. I know that you’re nothing like her, but the fear still remains.

I know its my problem, but I need someone to talk to–if you really don’t want to be that person then I really feel that there is nothing I can do to make this better. I can try but if you’re not there to listen than whats the point? I can’t mend a broken star by myself.

I don’t think anyone else knows me well enough to really understand. Again, I know that its my fault that no one want to listen but I don’t think its because a lack trying. It has to be you, because how will you know that I can trust you? I feel like I made it so that you wouldn’t have noticed if I never started any of this–if I knew how to keep my feelings to myself.

Don’t leave me alone. Be the flame to my star.